11 Months of Sober Gratitude

11 months without a drink. 11 months full of hangover free mornings. 11 months of not missing work from a binge the night before. 11 months of being able to look in the mirror without turning away in disgust. 11 months of being able to respect the choices I've made. 11 months of memories that are not laced with regret. 11 months of being able to breathe. 11 months of sober gratitude.

When I first came into the rooms, I heard people speak all these cliche's and my critic would heckle them inside my head- give me a break, what is wrong with these people, that's so stupid; I would mentally roll my eyes. If you've been in the rooms you know what I'm talking about. You've heard the AA banter; the little pennants of moral support waved around the room to invoke hope. Your own little critic may have been having a field day with sayings like: "A grateful alcoholic never drinks" or "I have a life that's second to none" or "My worst day sober is better than my best day of drinking". And let us not forget, "It works if you work it".

I admit, I privately mocked all of those happy-go-lucky AA sentiments. Probably because I didn't believe that I would ever be able to say those things and mean it. I didn't believe that any of those things would ever be real for me. It was easier to think that these people and their flag waving motto's were a joke than to admit that I wanted to be like them, I wanted what they had, but was too afraid to allow myself to hope for something that seemed so unattainable. These people, these alcoholic, also spoke incessantly about believing in a power greater than myself. The only thing I believed in when I first came into the rooms was the power of the drink and the inevitable failure that would surely follow any attempt to get out from under that power.




Now, here it is...11 months later and I have not failed. 11 months later and I have my banner printed with slogans and I happily hold it high. I believe in AA as a program of recovery and an alternative to drinking: it is working because I am working it. I am so grateful to have experienced sobriety and I believe renewing that gratefulness every 24 hours keeps me from picking up. When I'm having a bad day, I think what that bad day would be like if I were drinking. I would rather have the bad day sober than to pretend I'm having a good time drinking. I am replacing my belief in the drink with something mystical and divine; it is personal and it is the greatest comfort I have ever known. I do have a life that's second to none- I am free of all of the shame and guilt and regret. I am free from the hell and the chaos of my drinking, what could be better than that?!

I am an alcoholic. For a long time the only life I knew, the only me I knew was the one where I was actively drinking. I didn't know what a life without alcohol would be like- I was afraid that being sober would be so much worse than drinking. I am so grateful to have discovered how wrong I was about sobriety. I am so grateful to know what it's like to live a life without alcohol.