If you had asked me what I truly wanted, more than anything; if I could have one wish, what would it be? My honest answer, from deep down within, would be to not hate myself. More than anything I would want to know what it feels like be completely comfortable with myself, to be okay with being me. This has been a burning desire and a personal wish for me for as long as I can remember. I have a memory from when I was 13 or 14 and I wrote in a journal- I hate myself, nobody loves me, everybody hates me, I'm fat, I'm ugly, and I hate myself over and over again. I filled up pages detailing what a horrible and unworthy person I was. These are the feelings that I have carried with me for more than 20 years now. How I long to be free of their self-depreciating influence.
I often notice certain women as I am out and about- the kind of women that scream "I am comfortable with myself" without ever saying a word. The kind of women that drip with self esteem and wear their confidence like sparkling jewels. I notice them and I watch them and I think with longing, "ohhh, how I want to be one of those women." I want what they have.
Those women were so unlike myself; they were so self-assured. They are the kind of women who look you in the eye and walk with their shoulders back and up and heads held high. They are the ones whose presence is graceful and dignified and speak without much hesitation. Those women are not afraid to announce their position, state their opinion, or respect their own boundaries- even if it conflicts with another. You don't have to wonder if they take care of themselves. You don't have to ask if they respect themselves or possess a strong sense of self-love and appreciation, you can sense it. You can feel their self-worth like a vibration buzzing against your skin. Would I ever be able to file myself within their ranks? Would I ever be able to have even the tiniest sliver of that pie? Could I please have just a little bit, just a taste?
One of the first things that struck me when I came into the rooms was the program seemed to be full of those women. How was it possible that so many of them were concentrated in one spot. They were everywhere! They congregated together chatting and laughing. To me, they were like rays of sunshine penetrating through dark, stormy clouds- I was drawn to the warmth and the light they emitted. I wanted to talk to them. I wanted to know their secret, but I held back because surely they would discover right away that I wasn't of their kind. I wasn't worth the effort of their acknowledgement or conversation. Just being in the same room with them caused all of my insecurities to multiply and my self-consciousness to surge. I shied away from them and resigned myself to the corner where I figured I belonged. Before the meeting dispersed, a few would approach me and ask gentle questions and offer me kindness and understanding. I was scared to death. Why would they want to talk to me? Why would they want to know me? I was so defensive at first; so full of doubt and skepticism. What I didn't know at the time was that they had not always been one of those women. They had not always been close friends with all of the positive attributes related to self. They had not always been someone comfortable with themselves. What I didn't know is that once upon a time, they had been someone just like me.
My wish, my desire, my longing to be at peace with myself has become a goal in my recovery. The women that I attend meetings with give me hope way beyond wishful thinking- they have taken my hand and have shown me how to get what I want. When I let them lead the way, they guide me to what is real and possible and within my reach.
I bring all of this up because last night my sponsor enlightened me. We were in the midst of going over the work I had completed for the fourth step and I told her my about my secret wish to one day become one of those women and she turned to me and looked at me with an expression of seriousness and wonder and said, but you are one of those women now. Don't you see? You ARE one of those women. You ARE.
I am?
Yes, she says, yes.
It took me a little while to digest her observation. I didn't believe her at first, my self-doubt still at the head of the line, taking center stage. But when I got up the next morning and I looked at myself in the mirror I couldn't help but smile because I knew she was right. I had finally tipped the scales in favor of my positive attributes. Through recovery my confidence, trust, respect, love, and care towards self has experienced tremendous growth. I am finally feeling a sense of peace from within. I am finally getting comfortable with myself- what a gift!
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