HALT- A Defense Against Picking Up

H(ungry) A(ngry) L(onely) T(ired)

Within my first few days of sobriety I heard this slogan in the rooms. It would prove to be of tremendous help in halting my insatiable desire to drink.  It describes four main components of physical and emotional distress, of which I discovered, were definitely triggers for me and ignoring their warning signs contributed to my decision to pick up a drink.

It was suggested to think about HALT whenever I thought I needed a drink. Sure enough, I found that whenever one of these states tried to creep up toward the surface, my impulse to drink kicked in. If I was hungry, I would tell myself that eating would ruin my drinking. If I was tired, drinking would keep me awake. If I was angry or lonely, well I was most certainly going to drink over that- how else was I going to suppress my anger or deny my loneliness?! Drinking is what I knew! 

I had developed an automatic response to drink over normal, everyday aspects of human existence. Instead of addressing the need to take care of myself by eating or sleeping, my unconscious mind was conditioned to drink. I had become a damn robot! It was disturbing to find that there wasn’t much of a thought process between my body or mind sensing one of these states and picking up a drink. HALT comes to my defense when I put it between me and a drink.

Awareness is a very powerful tool. By using the awareness I obtained about my compulsion to drink through HALT, I was able to begin to alter the ways in which I addressed the big bad triggers: hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. For the first time, there was a speed bump between sensing the want, the need to drink and actually picking up. I found that HALT replaced my reaction of thoughtlessly going through the motions to one of pause and contemplation. My working of the HALT method went something like this:

1)      Man, I could really use a drink right now. Oh crap, I forgot I’m not drinking. This would be immediately followed by a vivid and brutal reminder of why drinking wasn’t such a good idea.

2)      Why do I feel I need a drink right now? Is there a reason lurking behind this urge?

3)      Oh, right my stomach is on empty- I’m hungry. It’s noon and I didn’t take care of myself by eating breakfast and I’ve been up and active since dawn.

4)      What was my old solution to this: I would start drinking at noon on a Saturday as THE way to satisfy my body’s need for nourishment.

5)      And where did that solution get me? What would happen after cracking open a beer on an early Saturday afternoon, (not what my intentions were, which was to ‘just have a few beers to relax/enjoy/etc’, but what was the proven outcome, what ALWAYS happened?): The idea of a few beers would morph into a few six packs. Whatever plans I had for the day would be laid to waste. The hours between the first few drinks and my finally passing out would be a useless haze. I would wake up on Sunday hating myself, one for ‘doing it again’, and two, over the knowledge that Sunday would ultimately end the same as Saturday did, no matter how much I wanted it to be different. Once I went through the tape, unedited without any rosy distortion, I would remind myself of my intentions to be sober. I had to take it a few minutes as a time. I had to remember my promise to be gentle with myself.

6)      What was my new solution: to understand that my body needs and deserves the fuel it requires to get me through the day. To understand that the logical reaction to hunger is food not alcohol.

          7)  What was the end result of the new solution: I was able to bypass the urge to 
               drink. I could not believe it worked. I am still dumbfounded by the fact that I 
               am able to not drink.

I have to note, it’s strange how often hunger would strike me while I was driving. I would be out running an errand and all of a sudden I was absolutely starving, just totally famished like I hadn't eaten in a week. I would keep my eyes directed at the car in front of me in an attempt to ignore the 7-11 on the corner and to forget that I was passing the package store. I would talk to myself to keep me in the present and focused on the objective by saying something like, “Almost home. You’re just hungry. Just make it home. Please just make it home. It’s going to be okay. Just get some food in you and you’ll be fine.” Over and over those words would create a solid stream in my head, like a mantra, until I was home safely.

I needed to be gentle; I was depriving my mind and body of a daily fix of alcohol- they were in shock. I had to do whatever took to ease them into this new lifestyle. I was forewarned that I would probably crave sugar which my body derived from alcohol and now that it was cut off, my body would yearn for a new source. So, part of being gentle meant giving myself permission to indulge in some of my favorite comfort foods. In the beginning, my go to snack was kettle cooked potato chips drowned in Italian dressing and sprinkled with grated Parmesan. (I think I was going through 2 to 3 bags of chips a week my first month or two of sobriety). I had to be okay with some excessive indulgence- I mean, I had been okay with over indulging in alcohol on a daily basis for years, what was so terrible about a few cases of chips and a gallon of dressing?! (and...several pints of Ben & Jerry's)

I made an active decision to accept that I was going through a extremely difficult transition period, I needed to have some compassion for what I was going through and the patience to take it one day at a time. Had I of not done that, I'm pretty sure I would have drank out of frustration. I couldn’t dwell on the (imminent) possibility that I might gain 5 pounds in 30 days from eating so many potato chips- that was way too far in the future for me to consider. I let my body take the lead at that point and if it wanted potato chips in that moment because it couldn’t have a drink- then bring on the freakn’ chips. If carbs could delay a drink for this 24 hours then so be it. I did end up gaining 10 pounds, but in all honesty, that was nothing compared to the weight of shame and regret that accompanied my use (and abuse) of alcohol.

I took a leap of faith by doing my best to stay present in the moment and to concentrate on one 24 hour day at a time and somehow everything worked out. By the time I hit 90 days sober, the process of learning to care about myself had been initiated (which was a completely new and utterly profound concept for me). Eating healthier foods and incorporating exercise into my daily life became something I actually did (unlike when I was drinking and they sat on my ‘I should do that’ list gathering dust). My carb intake slacked off a lot and by the time I picked up my 9 month chip I had lost 30 pounds.

 

Reprograming how I react to triggers such as hunger is a process that is taking effort and time, but it is happening for me: I am seeing results. It feels so good to be able pin-point a need within myself and to be able to take care of that need in a way that is truly best for me. The program has taught me that there is a better way to live. I am learning to use the same tools that other alcoholics have used to keep them sober- they work, but only if I work with them. I am so grateful that alcohol no longer has a place on my list of workable solutions.