Was that Alcoholic Mess My Life?

Everyday that I stay sober is another day that I feel better about myself.

A year ago this weekend, my drinking had reached a pivotal point and I found myself at a meeting where I picked up my first white chip. After a week of sobriety I went back out to try it my way again. I had to drink a little while longer to see that my way of not drinking was about as effective as slamming my head against a wall to avoid pain- it just didn't work. The six weeks between picking up my first white chip and picking up the second hold some of the worst, most humiliating, self-abasing moments I have ever experienced in my entire life. It was as though all of my most terrible drunks over the course of twenty years had been gathered up into some kind of sick collage and dumped into those six weeks. It was torturous. The guilt, the remorse, the shame, the self loathing- all of it hit me with force that was tenfold from anything I had endured before. My drinking had escalated at such an alarming rate in that short span of time that it morphed from self-destruction to complete and total annihilation. The gravity of what I was doing did not occur to me then, but now I'm astonished by the fact that I came out on the other side of all of that without killing someone, going to jail, or at the very least, losing my job. It's a freaking miracle that I got through that crap inflicting as little damage as I did.

When I reflect on who I was and where I was a year ago, it's difficult to associate the me now with the me then. Was that really me? That walking disaster hidden inside an empty, fragile shell? Was that Alcoholic mess my life? Wow! Really? Mind blowing stuff.

The changes I am experiencing through sobriety are so extraordinary and dramatic. Night and day. Oil and water. These describe perfectly the difference of my life- now and then. It is such a startling contrast that it's hard for me to associate the two lives as belonging to one. I am in awe over how much better my life is without alcohol- I am truly amazed.

All of the things that I've always wanted and thought I would never obtain are slowly becoming noticeable traits- things like self-respect and self-worth. I'm finding things I once thought were lost forever- things like dignity and purpose. So many things siphoned off by my drinking are returning, flowing back into my life filling up the emptiness.

Everyday that I am sober is a new day- everyday is different. Today is not just another day and it is nothing like yesterday. There is a vibrancy to my life now. Moments have textures that I can touch and feel. My life has become something solid and I am alive and engaged. I am alive and I can feel and I can be and I can breathe and I am aware, so very aware.

It is such a relief to be sober. It is such a relief to know that I don't ever have to endure the kind of pain I caused myself in that other life. I am so grateful to no longer be enslaved by alcohol. I am so grateful to be sober.