Recently, someone reached this blog by searching the phrase- emotional affects of 6 months sober. That inquiry sparked some in-depth, critical thinking sessions on how much my emotional health has improved by not drinking AND by working a program of recovery. There is a strong correlation between my days of sobriety and my emotional health. Every day that I don't pick up a drink is a day that an old wound heals a little more or a day that I feel a little better about myself.
And, that outcome makes sense, doesn't it? For me, I hated my drinking; I hated myself for drinking and for not being able to stop drinking. So it would make sense that once I removed the cause that incited so much self-hate, I wouldn't hate myself so much! This makes it so much easier to get close to who and all that I really am. It makes it so much easier to begin to take care of myself and honor myself and trust myself. In being able to do these things, I have slowly began to experience a sense of freedom and relief on a level that I would have never known existed otherwise.
For the first time in my life, I am experiencing emotional stability. I think that was an awareness that came to me in May (which was around the 6 month mark). May, in particular, was a month where my new tools for living were put to the test-
My doggie developed a high fever one evening which scared the hell out of me, but thankfully I was sober and I was able to stay calm and tend to her. I was able to break her fever down, but if I would have had to drive her the 20 or 30 miles to the emergency vet in the middle of the night, I could have done so without any apprehension. I hate to think how I would have handled that situation had I been drinking. Her symptoms were so subtle that I may not have even known how sick she was. By the time she was burning up and shaking from chills, I would have been oblivious or passed out. And, would she have made it through the night? Not a question I have pondered lightly.
Also, in May, my computer crashed, the starter in my car died, and then the car battery died. It was one thing after the next! Every Friday in May brought some new aggravation. These events, before recovery, would have put my emotions all over the map. They are perfect examples of what were once binge inducing events. My solution a year ago would have been to drink and obsess and feel bad and then drink some more. I would have been up and down- something out of my control happens and I am down, I drink to temporarily come up and forget that I am down. Then I sober up, feel like crap and still have the unresolved problem and I'm down again.
Given my old methods of approach, it isn't hard to see how impossible it was to trust in my ability to make decisions and cope or to ever garner any kind of positive emotional footing. I was an emotional mess- my brain was a passenger on a never ending rollercoaster ride. That was then though and this is now!
When all was said and done; when each of those situations had been handled, rectified, and solved, I noticed something- I noticed that I had systematically handled, coped, and resolved all of those events without freaking out and most importantly, without taking a drink. Now, to most people, that may not seem like a big deal- coping with the day to day doesn't seem like a very novel and profound accomplishment. But to an alcoholic, at least to this alcoholic, my ability to cope with all of those nuisances in a rational and levelheaded manner was not just an achievement- it was a miracle; a true milestone in my life and all that I have known it to be.
I handle myself so differently now. I am able to think about the best course of action instead of simply reacting from a place of fear or anger. To be able to see these differences in my behaviors elevates my confidence and trust which has a huge impact on my emotions. For example, was I upset when I had to cancel my plans for the day because my car wouldn't turn over? Yes. I was upset and disappointed, but I didn't let those emotions rule me. I didn't let them carry me down into the abyss of pity and despair. I didn't make a bad situation worse by drinking. And, I had people who were willing to help me resolve my dilemma. I didn't force myself to take it all on alone. Actually, what all of those seemingly negative events did was to show me just how much the people in my life care and are willing to lend me a hand. They wanted to be there for me and I let them. I let them be there for me; another HUGE milestone.
I feel the need to make it very clear that I do not believe that my increase in emotional stability and this new sense of well being I am experiencing can only be contributed to my not drinking. I believe that the credit truly lies with learning a new way to live through AA and the tools and support the program has provided. Even if I could have 'put the plug in the jug', (which was impossible for me to accomplish until AA), I would have still been left with the same behavior methods and thought processes that led me to empty the jug in the first place. I needed to learn NEW behaviors and DIFFERENT thought processes in order to live with sobriety. Today, I feel like I am leading an effective and satisfying life and that has everything to do with the "emotional affects" of living sober through recovery.
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