For Me, Not Drinking Is Not Normal

I like waking up on a Sunday morning without the dirty taste of last night's beer in my mouth and the dry stink in my sinuses. I like waking up and being able to get out of bed without the room tilting and my head banging. I like waking up without having to wonder if I'm going to need to replace my morning coffee with a few cold ones to get my system straight and stop the quakes that pound my insides like rough waves on a stormy afternoon. I know what it's like to drink all day, everyday. I know what it's like to be on the front lines of a battle that never ends and one that I could never win. I was always the loser when I went to war against myself with alcohol as my weapon. I know what it's like for my life to be as empty as that last bottle I chucked. I know what it's like to live with all of these things. I also know what it's like to live without them- and I like definitely like living without them.

But the thing is, me not living with all of those things is not normal. It's not normal for me not to drink, not yet anyway. It's not normal for me to not drink when I'm scared or when I feel rejected or threatened or bored or pissed off. It's not normal to ask my higher power for guidance or patience or temperance. It's not normal for me to call another alcoholic for comfort or solace or advice. It's not normal for me to have boundaries or to care about myself or to live in the present moment. It's not normal for me to be realistic and responsible and trustworthy. It's not normal for my life to be manageable and fulfilling and purposeful. I heard something the other day that stuck in my brain- drinking for me was normal; not drinking is abnormal. I am now learning to deal with life and normal situations in a very abnormal way. This is true for me- reaching for a drink was my normal response when it came to coping with normal, everyday life situations- good and bad.
I am learning how to be more aware of my reactions and sensitive to how I go about responding to whatever it is that may be unfolding- I am learning how to pause and think things through which is abnormal and at times, frustrating, but it has gotten easier. I have faith that what seems abnormal now will, with a little bit of time and a lot of practice, become second nature.

I'm learning a new way to live through a program of recovery and the tools of AA. Today I can choose what I want to live with and I can decide what I would rather live without- I wasn't able to do that when I was drinking. I like how I'm living now so much better than how I was living before.