I was admiring myself in the bathroom mirror last night.
Yep, Admiring.
I do this quite often now, check myself out in the mirror. I can't help it- it just feels so good to look upon my reflection with fondness and appreciation. Whereas, when I was drinking, I couldn't stand the sight of myself. I would divert my eyes and do my best not to focus on my face- my red, blotchy, bloated face with bloodshot eyes and deep wrinkles etched around the frown of my mouth. Ugh, I didn't want to see it. I felt so ugly- from the inside out. Now, it's rare not to have a beautifully buoyant, happy, smiling face staring back at me. Sometimes I will strike little poses, turning my head side to side, trying out different expressions and then laughing at myself- laughing and loving myself.
Finally! Getting comfortable with me!
Not only that, but...
I FEEL ALIVE!!
That spark of hope that had been extinguished by my drinking is once again burning within. I feel that light flowing through my veins and flowing through my life. It is such an unbelievable feeling; one that I did not think I would ever experience; could ever experience. I can try my best to articulate it- I could describe how I had confined myself to darkness and shadows and how inexplicably wonderful it is to be able to step into the light, to feel the radiating warmth embracing me like a long, lost love. I could tell you how I had surrendered to a broken spirit and mourned its passing with the sadness of an abandoned child and how the healing I once thought impossible is taking place, pulling all of those broken shards together and mending the pieces so that becomes whole again; something tangible again.