Transformation of Recovery

I was admiring myself in the bathroom mirror last night.

 

Yep, Admiring.

 

I do this quite often now, check myself out in the mirror. I can't help it- it just feels so good to look upon my reflection with fondness and appreciation. Whereas, when I was drinking, I couldn't stand the sight of myself. I would divert my eyes and do my best not to focus on my face- my red, blotchy, bloated face with bloodshot eyes and deep wrinkles etched around the frown of my mouth. Ugh, I didn't want to see it. I felt so ugly- from the inside out. Now, it's rare not to have a beautifully buoyant, happy, smiling face staring back at me. Sometimes I will strike little poses, turning my head side to side, trying out different expressions and then laughing at myself- laughing and loving myself.

 

Finally! Getting comfortable with me!

 

Not only that, but...

 

I FEEL ALIVE!!

 

That spark of hope that had been extinguished by my drinking is once again burning within. I feel that light flowing through my veins and flowing through my life. It is such an unbelievable feeling; one that I did not think I would ever experience; could ever experience. I can try my best to articulate it- I could describe how I had confined myself to darkness and shadows and how inexplicably wonderful it is to be able to step into the light, to feel the radiating warmth embracing me like a long, lost love. I could tell you how I had surrendered to a broken spirit and mourned its passing with the sadness of an abandoned child and how the healing I once thought impossible is taking place, pulling all of those broken shards together and mending the pieces so that becomes whole again; something tangible again.

 

Fear of Never Drinking Again

When I began to take those first few steps into sobriety, I'm not sure which fear was had the most power: the fear that I would never drink again or the fear that I would.

There was a part of me that scoffed at the idea of never taking another drink. I mean, come on! What was I supposed to do with myself? How was I supposed to have fun? Celebrate? What about dinner? How was I supposed to go out and have dinner on a Friday night? How odd it would be to decline a pre-appetizer 'something' from the bar, while I look over my menu, drink offered by the waiter. Not drinking equaled Boring as far as I was concerned. Everything I did related to drinking- going out, socializing, letting loose, relaxing, shopping, listening to music, painting, writing, watching tv, reading, and dealing with a myriad of emotions- rejection, anger, fear, grief, excitement, anxiousness. And of course, what in the world would it look like to other people when I went out and ordered a diet coke...without the Jack? Not drinking was going to suck- Big Time; at least, that's what I thought.

All of those thoughts and fears were there during my first few days and weeks of sobriety, just as they had always been; but because my last drunk was so hellaciously scary, the fear of getting drunk again slid into the top spot for the first time ever. All of those other fears were pushed aside and the thought of never getting drunk again looked pretty damn good.  And, I was lucky that it continued to hold it's place as fear number one until I had enough time into recovery to see the reality of my powerlessness over alcohol.