Transformation of Recovery

I was admiring myself in the bathroom mirror last night.

 

Yep, Admiring.

 

I do this quite often now, check myself out in the mirror. I can't help it- it just feels so good to look upon my reflection with fondness and appreciation. Whereas, when I was drinking, I couldn't stand the sight of myself. I would divert my eyes and do my best not to focus on my face- my red, blotchy, bloated face with bloodshot eyes and deep wrinkles etched around the frown of my mouth. Ugh, I didn't want to see it. I felt so ugly- from the inside out. Now, it's rare not to have a beautifully buoyant, happy, smiling face staring back at me. Sometimes I will strike little poses, turning my head side to side, trying out different expressions and then laughing at myself- laughing and loving myself.

 

Finally! Getting comfortable with me!

 

Not only that, but...

 

I FEEL ALIVE!!

 

That spark of hope that had been extinguished by my drinking is once again burning within. I feel that light flowing through my veins and flowing through my life. It is such an unbelievable feeling; one that I did not think I would ever experience; could ever experience. I can try my best to articulate it- I could describe how I had confined myself to darkness and shadows and how inexplicably wonderful it is to be able to step into the light, to feel the radiating warmth embracing me like a long, lost love. I could tell you how I had surrendered to a broken spirit and mourned its passing with the sadness of an abandoned child and how the healing I once thought impossible is taking place, pulling all of those broken shards together and mending the pieces so that becomes whole again; something tangible again.

 

 

I could try to tell you all it is that is happening to me- all of the good and wonderful things that are being borne in a once dismal and barren life- but, you cannot imagine the worth of it all until you experience it yourself. For me, it is a journey into grace surrounded by a plush landscape of peace and a deep sense of serenity that grows with each step forward. Everyday that I don't drink is another day closer to the healing my soul used to yearn for and I am so relieved.

 

 

"If we are painstaking about this phase of our development we will be amazed before we are halfway through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness." pg 83-84

 

I am so, so, so grateful to experience a new freedom and a new happiness that is accompanying my recovery. The promises are priceless gifts that have been bestowed upon my life. The promises are materializing in my life- transforming every facet imaginable. And the fact that all of this transformation is occurring from within, from my own volition and is not dependent on anyone or anything else makes it all the more lasting and special and real. Who would have thought that this once ugly, insecure, fearful, worthless girl could evolve into a beautiful, confident, and hopeful woman who KNOWS that she is worth receiving the gifts of recovery. I never thought it possible!

 

They say, it works if you work it; and it really does, it truly does.