Fear of Never Drinking Again

When I began to take those first few steps into sobriety, I'm not sure which fear was had the most power: the fear that I would never drink again or the fear that I would.

There was a part of me that scoffed at the idea of never taking another drink. I mean, come on! What was I supposed to do with myself? How was I supposed to have fun? Celebrate? What about dinner? How was I supposed to go out and have dinner on a Friday night? How odd it would be to decline a pre-appetizer 'something' from the bar, while I look over my menu, drink offered by the waiter. Not drinking equaled Boring as far as I was concerned. Everything I did related to drinking- going out, socializing, letting loose, relaxing, shopping, listening to music, painting, writing, watching tv, reading, and dealing with a myriad of emotions- rejection, anger, fear, grief, excitement, anxiousness. And of course, what in the world would it look like to other people when I went out and ordered a diet coke...without the Jack? Not drinking was going to suck- Big Time; at least, that's what I thought.

All of those thoughts and fears were there during my first few days and weeks of sobriety, just as they had always been; but because my last drunk was so hellaciously scary, the fear of getting drunk again slid into the top spot for the first time ever. All of those other fears were pushed aside and the thought of never getting drunk again looked pretty damn good.  And, I was lucky that it continued to hold it's place as fear number one until I had enough time into recovery to see the reality of my powerlessness over alcohol.

Allowing time to pass, allowing the process of recovery to unfold, has been so important to my sustained sobriety. Once the fear of drinking again lost some of it's edge, I needed proof that all of those other fears, that my life would suck without alcohol, would not materialize. I followed the principals of progress as suggested to me and before long the proof that I needed became glaringly obvious- wow, my life really sucked when I was drinking! I needed that time to integrate my program into a way of living so that I could experience how fulfilling and satisfying life could be without the soul-sucking effects of alcohol.

With time, I was able to see just how little I accomplished while I was drinking. My life revolved around drinking. I remember getting off at 5 and on the way home, stopping to get the 6-pack I had been thinking about since noon. I would twist off a top and take my first swig before I could even get the front door shut. I would think about the things I needed to do, normal taking care of life things- dinner, showering, walking the dog, but first came the alcohol. I would tell myself after this first beer, I'll get down to business, but something inside disagreed and I would need to down 2 or 3 before I was satisfied. By the time 7 or 8 rolled around, the 6-pack was gone and the battle of thoughts between not getting more and getting more would begin duking out in my head. Of course, I needed more. Was there really a choice- it didn't seem like there was. So I would look in the mirror, brush my teeth, try to make myself seem less drunk and make a run to get another 6-pack. On a bad night, there might be a third run; which would mean figuring out alternate stores. I couldn't make multiple purchases in one evening at the same store- the clerk might think I was an alcoholic!

You may be saying to yourself- well, that's just stupid; could have bought a 12 or 18 pack; duh! That would be a very good point. A point that I considered many times. And, I did by larger quantities on many, (many, many) occasions; but that didn't matter because most of the time that wasn't enough either.  

The way I went about buying my alcohol is a perfect example of my sickness and my powerlessness over alcohol. I picked up that 6-pack telling myself, promising myself, swearing that this was it. I opted not to purchase more than six because deep down I knew that I would drink what was there- that I would not stop until the container was empty. My intention was to limit my intake and I repeatedly lied to myself that this was possible: that I could handle my drinking and stop after a few beers. I found myself standing in front of the beer cooler all excited thinking- I'll just have 3 and then I'll have 3 for tomorrow and how proud I will be for sustaining. Look at me! See I can do it! I can control this! I'm fine! They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions and that is exactly where my intentions to control my drinking took me: straight to hell. Over and over and over again- the insanity- I just don't have the words- it defies description.

And that was pretty much it: that was my life.

Night after night. Day after day.

I had so many plans. So many things I wanted to do, but drinking was so unproductive.

I drank until I was incapacitated.

I could start something, but I was rarely ever able to finish because the alcohol took over and it became what mattered.

Family and friends took a back seat to alcohol.

I would have a few drinks to 'spark' my creativity and by the time I picked up pen and paper my thoughts were so muddled I couldn't barely compose a sentence much less a coherent paragraph. Or my coordination would be so sketchy that putting paint to canvas was a work of futility. And I would get frustrated that I couldn't produce and I would say fuck it, I suck at this, and I would drink some more.

Time allowed me to see my alcoholism for what it was. Time provided me with a realistic assessment of just how bad my drinking had become. And honestly, what was I really doing with myself besides drinking? Nothing. I was doing nothing and getting nowhere. And, it took me some time to understand that; to see the emptiness and the nothingness that my life had become from my drinking. I wasn't living at all- I was existing, going through the motions. Waking, eating, sleeping, drinking- miserable. Even when I thought I was having fun while I was in the midst of drinking it was short lived. The next day was always so horrible, whether it was how crappy I felt from the hangover or how mortified I was by my behavior, that whatever fun I may have had was forgotten. Guilt and remorse from the next morning replaced the blast I thought I was having the night before.

What is really unfortunate is that I am left with so many untruths about my abilities from my drinking days. There are some beliefs that developed from my drinking that are still intact. For instance, about two years ago I painted my living room and the trim. The house is full of the wide trim that was popular in the twenties and I had wanted to work on that, too. Well, I started out strong, but after a couple of 6-packs the cut-in's became increasingly difficult. I became frustrated and I became sloppy. I painted a window shut. I just didn't care. That wasn't me- not taking pride in my work, not caring. Needless to say, I didn't finish. The job was a pain and I put the paint can away.

Fast forward to a couple of weeks ago- I finally dug that paint can back out. And I was dreading the job- all that I remember the last time I painted was what a pain in the ass it was; how much work it was; and how cumbersome it was going to be. I was in for a shocking revelation. I blew right through it. I painted for 6 to 7 hours Saturday and Sunday AND cleaned up. I realized that the painting wasn't the problem two years ago, the drinking was the problem. I didn't see the correlation back then though and I didn't contribute my intoxication into the equation. My inability to perform had nothing to do with my actual abilities. My inability stemmed from my drinking so damn much! But now that I am not drinking, I am having to confront all of those old beliefs. Sometimes, I will sit down to write or draw and my first thoughts are negative and self-defeating. I have to remind myself that it was the drinking that made me feel incapable and talentless and I'm not drinking now. It takes time to reverse the damage I have done.  

I no longer have a fear that not drinking will ruin my life. The way I am living now is solid proof that my life has improved dramatically since I stopped drinking. Time has become my friend- I have lived more in the last year being sober than I had over the previous ten being drunk. It really is unbelievable and I am so grateful. I am so grateful to have a different way; a better way to live- one day at a time.