I can be pretty hard on myself as far as expectations and standards of who and where I should be; especially, now that I am sober. I think I have a lot of residual guilt and remorse over all of the time I wasted drinking; all the opportunities I missed because getting drunk was so important; and all of the limitations I imposed on myself through my alcoholism. Sometimes I find that I am in a funk over not achieving goals I think I should have reached by now, not just in sobriety, but life in general- I'm middle-aged, single, no kids, no awe inspiring career, no college degree- I tend to get wrapped up in thinking about all of the things I haven't done and then I admonish myself for being a failure.
I was relating this to a friend in the program and she ticked off a decent amount of things that I have accomplished; things I have welcomed into my life since committing to sobriety; and opportunities that I am creating just by being sober. I found that it was difficult for me to listen and accept all of the compliments she was giving me- like she was handing me little presents all wrapped up and pretty, each containing a small piece of me tucked inside like a precious gem. I thought myself undeserving of such gifts and I shied away from her praise.
Why do I do that?
Why is it easier for me to accept the bad parts, the flaws and the defects than it is for me to acknowledge all of the good stuff, my assets and abilities and accomplishments?
When I'm in one of those moods, the ones where I'm so hard over myself and I'm holding unrealistic expectations over my head, when I am feeling that way, I see I have forgotten that my sobriety is a work in progress; that this, my recovery, is a way of life which isn't meant to, nor could it possibly, reveal all that it offers overnight.
I forget that very important little fact and try to draw it into my awareness when I'm sitting on the pity pot and beating myself over the head with self-depreciating thoughts like a mental billy club.
So, my friend says- It sounds like you are having a hard time forgiving yourself. Forgiving yourself, she says, is one of the greatest gifts we can give to ourselves.
This tidbit of wisdom leads me to tell her about my work on the fourth step:
How my name topped the list of 12 people and how I was unable, or just totally adverse, to completing my section in the step.
Every other name on that list had a least a full, healthy paragraph; some had a page, page and a half, but me...
Nothing.
Not a word.
Zip. Zilch. Nada.
Blank!
I went on to say that this was happening again in my eighth step: I had three people so far- I wrote a paragraph for the first, a paragraph for the second; I then turned to a fresh page, put ME in the header, stared at the open spaces for a moment and then promptly closed the notebook when it occurred to me that cleaning the kitchen would be more productive.
Hmmm...are you sensing a pattern here?
Could it be....(insert suspenseful music here)
Avoidance?
Maybe a self-worth issue?
Her suggestion was two-fold:
One, it would probably be in my best interest to go back and finish the fourth step in reference to myself and to then include myself in the eighth.
Two, for the time being I could create a gratitude list to formally acknowledge some of the reasons I am grateful for my sobriety, to affirm how much my life has improved,
AND
to remind myself of what I have accomplished while being sober versus being drunk.
She's right- putting it all down on paper is in effect doing the work; it is a physical way to purge the thoughts from my head and is much more beneficial then simply allowing all of those thoughts to bounce around up there. I mean, I can think about why I am grateful. I can think about the ways I've been selfish, dishonest, and self-seeking toward myself (4th). I can silently give reasons why I am entitled to an amends (8th), but there is something more concrete about writing it out- it seems to make it real; give it form.
But, ugh, why is it always such a battle to work the work?! Even though I know that the work is the path of sobriety...hence the first few lines of How It Works:
Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our path. Those who do not recover are people who cannot or WILL NOT completely give themselves to this simple program...
In order to do the work, I have to get honest with myself. I have to get quiet, I have to get very still so that I can sense why I feel I am unworthy of forgiveness. I must take the steps suggested so that I can heal the part of me that is still wounded and hurting- which my avoidance has made obvious.
I want to get to a place where I can not only acknowledge the idea that making sincere amends (9th) to myself is just as important as making amends to the other people I have wronged, but one where I can internalize that idea and make it an understanding.
I believe I can get to that place IF I am willing to do the work. Now, that is something I am most definitely grateful for- the work and the faith I have in what it can do.
It works if I work it- it takes me to the places I prefer to be.
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