It's December, the last month in the year 2012.
What a year it has been! The thought crossed my mind to list all of the accomplishments I've worked toward and the gifts that have been bestowed upon me over the last year and I laughed- that's going to be one long list!
When I was drinking, making a list like that would have been pathetically short and would have been so depressing that there is no doubt I would have drank out of self-pity stemming from the realization of how empty and meaningless my life had become.
If you have worked a program of recovery for any length of time, then you probably know exactly what I'm talking about!
So, back to this list and all that has happened in the year 20-12...
As the year kicked off I was at a New Year's Eve party hosted by another alcoholic (who would turn out to be a cohort, a confidant, and all around awesome influence in my life; she became a friend, a good friend, a healthy relationship: all new things for me in 2012).
I was in doubt over accepting the invitation for several reasons-
1) it was an alcohol free party- was that even possible? Doesn't alcohol free translate to fun free? How bad is that going to suck?! Will it end up being like entertainment hour at a rest home?
2) it was a party sans the booze- how was I going to feel comfortable mingling without my lubrication? How was I going to quell my nerves? Could I even interact with people sober? So much pressure!
3) it was a sober party- it was weird getting ready to go out, doing my make-up, hair, etc., without constantly reaching for that bottle of beer sitting close by. It was strange not kicking back a few cold ones to get my confidence all revved up before leaving the house.
I almost didn't go and then I said, 'screw it' and took the leap. I noticed as I walked the two or three blocks to her home that my mind wasn't all foggy and I wasn't stumbling or unsure of my stride. Hmmm, this was a good thing. I also wasn't pumped full of fake confidence- the kind that made me defensive, obnoxious, and loud.
The party was great. I hung out with former drunks and junkies and it ended up being a very memorable (and it being memorable in a good way was something new) evening. Definitely the best New Year's Eve ever! I conversed, I laughed, I really enjoyed myself.
I stayed until almost two in the morning.
I walked home and got into bed SOBER!
And I woke up on New Year's Day smiling. That's how I started the year- smiling and happy and relieved and sober.
What a change from the previous...I don't know...15 or 20 New Year's. Yeah, that's saying something, huh?! The last 7, at least, were so terrible I almost wish I could blot them from my memory. Ugh, really, really bad moments. (But it is important that I DO remember them. Those are the moments that serve as a testament to the reality of my drinking; the true ugliness. Those are the moments that help to reinforce my sobriety and the gratitude I have towards never having to feel that way again)
So much has happened since that party; so much good has come about in my life. I've had a few bumps and several curve balls thrown in for good measure, but you know, those things have shown me that the tools and suggestions work. Those hiccups and frustrations were opportunities to learn that there are real solutions, there are ways of coping that don't involve getting drunk.
And too, I'm learning, I'm seeing that I am capable of coping. I am capable of feeling. I am capable of dealing with adversity as a mature adult instead of succumbing to the drink which makes me a blubbering, impulsive, irrational, paranoid juvenile. Yep, that was the reality.
Well, this started off as a list of my personal highlights of 2012 and I suppose I kind of diverged from that. Maybe, it was more important to note how the year began- sober. And that sobriety has certainly been the central theme in 2012. The personal transformation that has surrounded that theme has been so profound and extensive that I don't think it could be contained in something as simple and as straight forward as a bullet point; but here are a few of my biggies:
Wounds that have been festering for years are starting to heal.
I have recouped hope that I thought was gone from me.
I have found that sense of innocence that I thought was lost forever.
I have people in my life that have shown me how to dream again- how to breathe again.
I have started doing things I used to enjoy before drinking got in the way.
I am strengthening ties instead of breaking them.
I am accountable and present and engaged.
I have started saving money for the first time in my life.
I am once again excited about life; I look forward to getting out of bed!
I will most certainly remember this year as a major turning point in my life- a change for the better with recovery being the keystone to it all. I tell ya, looking back over the progress, the transformation emotionally, spiritually, and even financially, takes my breath away. They told me this would happen, but I had to experience for myself to understand just how deep and far reaching the program could be.
Sobriety has been so much more than not drinking. Sobriety has set my heart beating again. Sobriety has brought my soul back from the dead. Sobriety has given me a year that I will look back on with fondness and with a sense of personal satisfaction.
2012- it's been one hell of a great year!
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