Wow- it's been awhile since I made a post.
Wow- I've got so much drama going on.
Wow- I made it through Christmas with the family...sober! I picked up the phone instead of picking up a drink. And I have to say, talking out my problems and frustrations with another alcoholic was sooo much more effective than trying to stuff them, deny them, and drown them out with alcohol. Because the latter was temporary, you know...as soon as I was sober, I had to get drunk all over again to keep those feelings at bay.
After getting home from family time I was so upset. I went from confusion, to hurt, to completely pissed by the time my head hit the pillow. I wanted to go to sleep, but my mind churned until 2 in the morning and I finally drifted off from exhaustion. I kept getting ideas of picking up the phone and calling the person who had been the source of my anger. By the time the clock chimed 12, the phone idea turned to an e-mail idea. I just wanted to blast this person. I wanted my anger to tear through them like sharp daggers. I wanted to verbally rip them apart. Part of my not being able to sleep was from the energy it took to restrain myself from getting out of bed, running to the phone or the laptop and giving in to my desire to give them a very large piece of my mind.
I kept telling myself that those ideas were not the ideal way to handle this situation. Wait until the morning. Call them once you have calmed down and you have your thoughts together. Address it like an adult. Wait until the morning when you can own your feelings by being assertive and not some crazed, emotional despot coming apart at the seams.
And, I did that.
It didn't give me as much resolve as I would have liked. It didn't produce as much relief as I was hoping for, BUT it was much better than the remorse that would have punched a hole through me had I have given into my impulse to "Do Something Right Now!"
I could have NEVER of held back from picking up that phone if I had been drinking. NEVER! I know myself too well now. I see the stark reality of my drinking behavior now and all the consequences that came along with that. I see all of the ways that my drinking had worked against me.
I tell ya, too: that would have been one hell of a bender. I couldn't help but play the tape through had I of picked up a drink over that. I was so enraged- pouring alcohol on that would have been gas to a fire. Ploof! I have no doubt at the very least I would have come out of that drunk with second or third degree burns...IF, I was able to come out of it at all.
Grateful, grateful, grateful, grateful. Sooo grateful to have workable and effective solutions to day. So grateful to have something that works!
I keep asking my higher power for wisdom and patience, wisdom and patience. Seems the last few weeks I've been given ample opportunity to practice those principals in all my affairs.
I have some positive drama going on, too. I've been approved to buy a house! Yes, me! I've been saving money for the first time in my life- sobriety, go figure! I'm in the midst of doing the offering dance right now. I'm waiting on the second counter offer or (I HOPE!) acceptance by the seller. This is a situation where it isn't going to be on my time schedule. There are too many other people involved, information has to travel through channels, be considered, and then make it's way back to me. My attitude of "I want an answer, NOW" just isn't going to work. I have ACCEPTED that instant gratification is not an option.
Yesterday, I wanted an answer so badly. I wanted to call my agent every hour, I wanted to call the seller's agent, I wanted to call the seller lol! None of those would have been good ideas and none of them would have got me what I wanted- in fact, I would have come off as a lunatic and what professional person wants to deal with that?!
I must have patience. And sometimes the necessity of that sucks!
So, I woke up this morning thinking about all of the patience I've had to produce- thankfully, I had some in reserve- and I'm thinking about wisdom and something hits me...
With patience, comes wisdom.
By practicing patience and self-control I not only gain wisdom, but I learn to use that wisdom to my advantage- which is pretty important.
Ah, yes my dear grasshopper- with patience comes the wisdom I seek.
Keeping it real by keeping it "One Day At A Time".
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