Sobriety Isn't Free. And It Ain't Easy Either!

The last 14 months have been awesome. I love my life. I love my sobriety.

It took my alcoholism many years to bring me to my knees. The progression of demoralization and destruction was so slow that it was almost invisible. I was shocked when I hit bottom- how did this happen?! How did I fall so far so fast?! I was surprised when I reached the end of my rope- I didn't remember sliding down that far. All of a sudden I was losing my grip; my fingers were slipping and I didn't think I possessed the strength to shimmy back up.

But it wasn't sudden.

I didn't just happen to find myself in that place as though I had been transported by some futuristic time warp.

It wasn't a case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

It was a destination I had set out for long ago. I had missed the sign that said, "HELL- 5 Miles", 6 miles before, that's all. I didn't realize I had arrived- "Oh, I'm here. And look, the welcoming committee has brought out pretty blue and white flashing lights...just for me!"

What took several years to destroy, amazingly, only took several months to begin to see the efforts of rebuilding through the program.

Really- It. Is. Amazing. (period!)

All of the promises are manifesting in my life- they are coming true.

I repeat, I love my life and I love my sobriety- those two loves work in tandem. I cannot have one without the other.

I am filled with gratitude. Impossibilities are now possible options and opportunities. Good things I thought would never happen are happening. There is fulfillment where there was once only infinite emptiness. There is healing, there is serenity and peace and joy and satisfaction; openness and light were there used to be the complete opposite of all of those things.

I've been through Hell and I like this place so much better!

With all that said, there is still that little voice- it tugs like a three year old trying to get mom's attention...how 'bout a drink? And, maybe a voice isn't quite the correct way to describe what rolls through my head sometimes. It's more like something pulling from within my body and my mind finally becomes receptive to a strange and heavy stimulation that is firing off at the cellular level. It wants a drink. Craves it, yearns for it, desires it.

Now what?

I have to make a choice. I have to work my program. I have to WORK!

Someone, an old-timer with 20+ years, shared at tonight's meeting that, "It's so easy to stay sober. It's harder to go out and drink. Staying sober is the easy way."

Really?



I find that a very unfortunate and self-righteous stance to take. It kind of pissed me off, in fact. I found it dismissive of the struggle that any alcoholic, newcomers especially, experiences in their journey to stay sober.

This afternoon, I'm on my way home from the grocery store and I felt that heavy tug. The easy thing, for me, would have been to allow that tug to persist until it became powerful enough to lead me to a drink. I'm an alcoholic- picking up a drink has always been the easy thing to do. It's an automatic response. I've conditioned myself to want a drink in various situations. As Pavlov demonstrated, ring a bell take a drink- that was me. Now, when a bell rings my lower mind wonders where in the heck its drink is! Oh crap, we don't drink when the bell rings, we do this, now: we use the tools the program has taught us.

I have had to recondition my response to that bell. And, I have done that, but...it has taken work and conscious effort.

So, today on the way home my hunger bell was ringing. I hadn't eaten anything and I had exerted some extra energy that morning and my body was sluggish and agitated. I had to take a parental role with my head and I stated, "You're just hungry. You didn't take care of yourself. Get home and eat and you'll be fine."

And I did. Freaking miracle!

It still amazes me that I don't have to give into that feeling of needing/wanting a drink- but, it takes work. If I want to stay sober then I have to do the work.

And, the work has been hard. Feeling good about myself and sobriety didn't happen overnight. I've had to relearn how to live. I've had to do so many things that were so far out of my comfort zone they had yet to be charted on any map.

I had to let people into my life. I had to trust. I had to go to meetings. I had to not drink. I had to sit with my fears and my angst and my sadness. I had to let go when all I had ever done was employ the death grip until the life was strangled out of anything in my vicinity. I had to nurture a relationship with a power greater than myself. I had to acknowledge that I wasn't the all-knowing, all-powerful everything I promoted myself to be. I had to have boundaries. I had to be vulnerable. I had to show up and be present.

I had to work the 4th step, I had to look at myself; face myself; be realistic about the behaviors that contributed to my alcoholism; clean up my side of the street; take responsibility for my actions. Then I had to work the rest of the steps and the last three on a daily basis.

I had to get so far down into my crap that I wanted it and I would go to any lengths to get it. I had to be willing to do the work and I have to stay willing to do the work if I want to maintain my sobriety.

Sobriety: isn't free and it ain't easy, but it sure is worth it.