I work the 12 step program as started by Bill W under the name of Alcoholics Anonymous. I don't like to mention on this blog because I believe in the principals and traditions of attraction not promotion and maintaning anonimity at the level of press, radio, and films. However, I have attended countless meetings in the last few months where relapse has been the topic of discussion. I have also had a few friends that I have made in the rooms that have relapsed and have come back. Some of these people are beginning to suffer chronic relapses- once a week, once a month and so on.
Inside every discussion about relapsing is the phrase- "I wasn't working the program." This reason was the common thread woven into the fabric of the pain, shame, devastation, and regret that these people mentioned as they described their experiences of going out and picking up.
AA has taught me to listen. For the first time in my life I am gaining wisdom from listening to the experiences of others. For the first time in my life I am doing my best to opt out of having to learn everything the hard way.
I cannot afford to not believe in this program.
Every day.
Every.
Single.
Day.
I am given examples of how this program works in my life. Of how it is changing my life for the better. Once I surrendered to the suggestions; once I relinquished control and stopped running on the self-will indulged on alcoholic thinking; once I let go of doing it my way- the program gave me living examples of why sobriety is the best choice for me.
God, I do not want to go back to that life. The thought of what would happen if I picked up makes me cringe. It would be no different than knowingly pressing my hand down on a hot stove. Pressing down hard until my flesh melted and I screamed and flailed with indescribable pain.
That's where I was when I came into AA. I was screaming inside with an indescribable pain of which I believed there was no escape from. It was a misery I thought was all my own. That no one could know the pain and torture of my existence. That no one could understand what I was going through, what I was putting myself through, and the terrible and embarrassing things I was doing. No one could help me or save me from myself.
That's where I was and it was MY WAY that got me there.
I'd hate to think where I might be right now if I was still doing it my way. I could have certainly sunk a little lower. I could have figured out first hand just how deep hell really is. But, you know, I really don't need to know that fun fact. I can live the rest of my life without finding that out. And, if I work my program, if I learn to practice the principals in all my affairs I believe that I will be able to live the rest of my life without having to find out just how far down hell really goes.
In doing it in a way that is not my own I have stayed sober for 15 months. I think my way used to get me about 15 hours!
But, I had to be desperate to try another way. I had to be desperate to surrender. I had to get the point of AA or death in order to shut up and listen. To shut up and stop acting like a defiant three year old who thinks they know everything!
Someone today mentioned that AA was a substitution for drinking. I like that analogy.
Drinking was exhausting- it was useless. Drinking for me was like driving a car with three flat tires- sure I was on the road, but how far was I really going to get? Where the hell was I going? And surely, there is a better, more effective way to travel.
I know what works for me today and I know what I have to do for it to continue working.
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