Came to Believe

Last night, a newcomer shared about their difficulty with, 'the God thing'. I can relate to that. I had always considered myself spiritual- I couldn't help but believe that there was some kind of force 'out there' that was mysterious and divine. It was something that I didn't think could be contained or defined by the human race and I was very turned off on organized religions that not only attempted to define this power, but insisted that their sect was versed in what this force was, wanted, and expected; and nothing could exist outside of their understanding.

When I came into the rooms I was deaf to the part that said, "...as we (or as I) understood him (or her or it)". Yeah, I totally ignored that part and instead instantly jumped to the conclusion that I was being told to believe in some other persons understanding. I cringed every time the word God was invoked at a meeting.

But...but...but...I wanted to stay sober and forced myself to internalize the quip, "take what you need and leave the rest".

If I wanted other people to respect my stance on God, should I not be willing to respect theirs, too? (principals not personalities)

I did, however, come to believe that a power greater than myself could return me to sanity and that greater power was the rooms and the people in them. Those meetings and the other alcoholics sharing their experience, strength, and hope were (and are) an extremely powerful force that not only keeps me sober, but shows me how to live a fuller life as a sober alcoholic.

There is no doubt, whatsoever, that those rooms kept me sober and attending meetings is how I maintain my sobriety and they keep me from disappearing into the void of my disease.

I was told to, 'fake until you make it' and thankfully I was willing to do that. Eventually, my pride and ego calmed down enough that I allowed myself to begin to nurture a connection to a power of my understanding. Sometimes, I call this power God out of convenience, but truly, who am I as a mere mortal to attempt any kind of conviction that I know what that power consists of. All I know is that the relationship I have been working on is a great source of comfort and serenity. And that by building this relationship is, in turn, helping me to build a relationship with myself and others: something I have never been able to do before.

And, too, the more comfortable I am in my own beliefs the more tolerant I am towards others. I don't have to convince anyone that my belief is the one or the true form of the divine. The relationship I have with my higher power is my own personal understanding- it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or understands.

I am sober today. I have peace of mind today. I am able to find serenity in the most chaotic and disturbing circumstances. And, I firmly believe that I am who I am today because I had an openness and a willingness forgo previous perceptions and seek a power greater than myself to my own understanding.

I was speaking to the newcomer after the meeting and I tried to relate my own experience about being uncomfortable with the God thing and using the group as my higher power and how I was told to just fake it until you make it. She responded that she couldn't fake it, just wouldn't be able to fake it. I was silent, but I thought with regret and compassion- that she just might have some more drinking to do.