When I Knew I Was An Alcoholic

I just had the privilege of listening to someone speak about their experience with alcohol. My ears always perk up whenever he shares at a meeting. He never fails to offer dead-on insight into the trials and tribulations of alcoholic tendencies, behaviors, and thinking patterns. I always take away some nugget of wisdom to ponder and question and turn over in my brain.

He related so many profound tidbits that I found myself wishing I'd had a tape recorder or a least a note pad to jot stuff down. I'm probably not able to quote this verbatim by memory, but he said something to the effect of:

'I didn't know I was an alcoholic until I tried to stop drinking. I knew I had a drinking problem. I always had problems when I drank. But, it wasn't until I tried to stop and I couldn't: that's when I knew I was an alcoholic' -H

Yep, that pretty much nailed it for me.

I knew I had a drinking problem for a long time. In the beginning, my problem was getting sick. I just wanted to be able to drink as much as I wanted without upchucking all over the place. Damn- if I could just figure out how to avoid getting sick. That last drink was the culprit. It ways always the 15th or 16th beer; the one I had only had one or two swallows of; the one that had me trying to get to the toilet...stat! Of course, there were many times that there wasn't much of a warning and the best I could do was to avoid my shoes ( and other people's shoes, too).

If I could just figure out which beer would be the one that was going to make me sick I could leave it unopened and my drinking problem would be solved! Yea!

That was in the beginning, before all of my other problems with drinking made themselves known. The relationship problems, the depression, the financial problems, the job problems, the hangovers, the not caring about myself, the isolation, the broken commitments, the I hate my life problems, the wreck my car problems...and the list goes on.

And honestly, when I had a drinking problem, I didn't relate all of those other problems to alcohol. I really didn't. I just thought life had dealt me a bad hand, it was my mom's fault, it was my husbands fault, it was my bitchy boss, it was the bank, the economy, my terrible and cheated from me childhood. Or the fact that I didn't drink a few glasses of water the night before or I forgot to take a few Excedrin before going to bed or I should have drank top shelf or I shouldn't have had the house wine.

It was NEVER: maybe I shouldn't drink.



But something happened as I got older and I started questioning what in the hell am I doing with my life. Before I was young and inexperienced- everything was fun. I think turning 30 and 31 brought an awareness of my mortality to the surface- it really affected me. And my drinking had progressed in such a way that it worried me. I was starting to see effects of, what I know now to be, my alcoholism. It wasn't fun and happy anymore, it was sloppy and disgusting and just plain sad.

It was right around that time that I first began to think: maybe I shouldn't drink.

That's when the real problems started kicking in.

That's when I started to drink even though I didn't want to drink.

I. Couldn't. Not. Drink.

I just couldn't do it.

The more I tried not to, the more I did. And, I tried for over three years!

When I look back at that time- at my mental state especially- MISERABLE. Misery beyond description. Complete insanity. 

That is when the true ugliness of alcoholism, of any addiction, reveals itself: when you want to stop and can't.

That is when powerless is not only understood, it's not just some word to comprehend and describe- it's something that consumes you- every breath, every waking moment- you feel it, you struggle with it, you go to bed and wake up with it. You cannot escape it; forever staring you down, weighing you down, bringing you down until that powerlessness is all that's left. There is nothing else. There isn't even a 'you' any longer. There's just your addiction, your compulsion, and your total lack of ability to do anything about it.

The craziest thing- sometimes I still want a drink. But, I am an alcoholic. I would love to be one of those people who can just have one or two drinks at the end of the day or after a family gathering or while I'm cooking or after a crappy day at work or at a birthday party or when my car breaks down or, or, or...

But, I am an alcoholic. I can't stop at one or two drinks even if that's all I really wanted. I can't just go out and have a glass of wine with dinner. I wish I could, but I can't. What's really awesome is that it's no longer worth it to me. What's a drunk going to get me? Drunk. Great! I could just stick my hand in a fire- it would be just as effective at resolving whatever I it is I want to drink over.  

The moral of this post is...that I am powerless over alcohol. Once I take that first drink, there is no telling how many I will have and where I will end up. That's what scares me: what will happen after that first drink? Whatever it would be wouldn't be good- I do know that.

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.

I am reminded how grateful I am to have taken that first step. I have a life today that is not only manageable, but it's a life worth living. A life I like living. A life I feel good about. Crap! I HAVE a life, now!

It's good to be here. It's good to be anywhere. It's good to be sober