Cunning, Baffling, Powerful...Oh My!

I was thinking about a post I wrote earlier- mulling over the memories it brought to the surface, tossing them around in my head and began to feel this gentle tug, this little nudge deep down that began to vibrate and morph into something solid. It came on as warm and inviting and I found myself wanting to melt right into it. I found myself wanting to reach in and embrace it like a long, lost lover come home.

 

And then this feeling transformed into thoughts...

 

Don't you want to feel that way again?

 

To feel the not feeling again; to be numb; to feel the oblivion again?

 

For a second, for just a split second, I was romanticising about a drink- no, not a drink- a drunk.

 

Ohhhh, don't you want to feel like shit again?

 

To be wrapped up in your own personal hell again?

 

That brought me right out of it!

 

One second, I'm thinking about how terrible my drinking was and how relieved I am to be sober and the next second, I get this weird desire for a drink.

 

Cunning, baffling, powerful, I tell ya.

 

Of course, it's how I handle that desire that matters. It's going to happen- there are going to be times that having a drink almost seems like a good idea, but I know the truth. Here are a few of the sayings I've heard in the rooms that I have come to internalize and hold them as facts- as the absolute truth. I use them when I feel those little nudges or start romanticizing a drink.

 

I know that one drink will be too many and too many is never enough.

 

I may think one drink isn't going to hurt me, but if I'm hit by a train it won't be the caboose that kills me.

 

My disease is like a mugger in a dark ally, always waiting to jump me when I'm vulnerable and not paying attention.

 

I can be an alcoholic with a solution or a drunk with a problem.

 

There are no drink worthy events.

 

A drink sounds good because I am H.A.L.T. (hungry, angry, lonely, tired)

 

And, if it's really bad, if I start to get that wet sand feeling in my skull...

 

I call another alcoholic.

 

I call my sponsor.

 

I get my ass to a meeting...Pronto!

 

Those things make me feel better than any drink ever could...and that's the honest to goodness truth!