Making Room for Mistakes: Progress Not Perfection

Everyone makes mistakes, right?

We are all fallible...right? Isn't that one of the conditions that come with being human? How can we experience growth if we did not have mistakes to learn from?

So, why does this need for me to be infallible persist? Why is it easy for me to tolerate the mistakes of others and so difficult to allow myself a little room for error?

I've become aware, recently, that I can either view the mistakes I've made (and will continue to make!) as lessons that can help to shape how I live my life OR I can allow them to become obstacles that define me- as a failure or a loser- and prevent me from making upwards progress in my life. When I allow mistakes to define me in negatives ways I become very fearful and I worry about perfection and I develop disparaging thoughts about my abilities. I think of myself as inept and I cannot bring myself to try anything new or push the limits of my comfort zone. I become complacent. I become frustrated. I feel useless. I feel helpless. I drink.

The perfection thing has really hurt me. It's really kept me from leading a more fulfilling life. It is a character defect that was probably conceived at a young age when I was belittled over not doing something right on the first (or second or third) attempt. I know I have a huge fear of being made fun of or looking like a fool. I have a huge fear of being judged by others. I find that I am my worst critic and I judge myself more harshly than any other person would dream of doing; and that in turn, makes me my own worst enemy. Sometimes, I am paralyzed by the fear of making mistakes, or not being perfect, that I cannot bring myself to start something I want or need to do. Like the 4th step or painting or saying the right words in a conversation or driving to a new place or...writing this post. Once I allow the fear of making mistakes to get a foothold in my head, it multiplies and flows into every aspect imaginable. Those thoughts become a thick blanket that covers everything and it binds me and it hinders me and it ultimately defines me. That fear becomes the muscle behind my actions, the motivator for my behavior, and the dictator of my thoughts.

I can hear some of those thoughts right now:

I'm not any good at this, why even try? I'm just going to fall flat on my face. No one will like, appreciate, use, want...what I produce, have, make, offer. I can't/won't be successful. (and there may even be an annoying little weed growing amongst all that muck which says: I don't deserve anything good or worthwhile)

Do you know what I'm talking about?

Do you experience these little voices that pop up out of nowhere telling you what an unsuccessful, undeserving schmuck you are?

Oh and those little voices and dark thoughts love their alcohol, don't they?! A drink would provide just enough nourishment to spark their growth and then instigate that hideous craving for another drink and another and...well, you know!

It's funny that for the longest time I believed that a drink would take all that noise away. I just wanted some peace, some downtime from all that crappy chatter.I really believed that I could drown those thoughts; send them to a place that they would never been seen or heard from again. Ha! WRONG!

I have to be so careful with the quality of self talk I give myself. I have to be so careful with how I view mistakes and screw ups and the old foot in the mouth moments. I have to be careful with the level of seriousness I apply to things that don't really matter. I find that I stress over things that shouldn't be given a second thought- for instance, when I share in a meeting...wow, do all those fears of being imperfect and inept come crawling out of the woodwork. I lose sleep over thinking of what I should have said and how I could have said it better and whatever I said was stupid and it would have been better to keep my mouth shut and not shared at all. And, ironically, those thoughts can be pretty intense even after being approached proceeding the meeting and thanked for what I had shared. Like I'm going to graciously accept a complement!

The worst manifestation of all this 'stinking thinking' and a desperate need to be perfect, is that I convince myself that all those negative views and opinions are what other people think of me. In reality, I am the one projecting the judgment and it takes a conscious effort to bring that message to the surface, to translate it into something my brain can understand. I have to replace- they must think I'm an idiot with they don't care or they don't think that or they didn't notice. I have to remember that what seems like a big deal to me probably isn't for them. (as my old therapist once said, "I hate to break it to you...but, you're just not that important. What she meant was, sure people may remember the big stuff- you crashed your car, you got drunk and fell into the pool at your sister's wedding, you puked at the dinner table- but, people are busy living their own lives, doing their own thing, worrying over their own stuff to dedicated as much energy and thought to your nuances as you do.) So, cut yourself some slack and give yourself a break. (that's easier said than done!)

My fear of making mistakes and not being perfect also influence my follow through. I can get discouraged so easily by thinking something that I am working on isn't up to snuff. If I think that a project I am working on doesn't meet what I perceive as acceptable, (even if other people try to tell me different) I get discouraged and give up. 

In sobriety, I have seen how limiting these thoughts and behaviors have been in my life. Through recovery, I have been able to address these defects and am learning how to take actions to reverse all of that negative programing. This, I am finding, is the only way to truly silence those little voices- it is pulling them out by the roots instead of merely hacking away at the surface.

By allowing myself to make mistakes I allow room for growth. By being aware that thoughts about what perfection might be is purely subjective I allow myself to evolve. Progress Not Perfection! I have had to develop a new precept towards mistakes that says- we all make mistakes, it's what you do after, it's what you do to rectify it, it's how you learn not to repeat it, it how you make it right that's important. I'm really trying to live that. I'm really trying to bring that to myself and to others. (and I suppose that can tie in with acceptance and forgiveness- toward myself as well as others. If I hold a resentment against myself for making a mistake, I'm going to drink. Maybe not that day and maybe not the next, but if I let it fester a relapse is most definitely on the horizon- and I will have to apply this precept to that, too!)

My life today really needs to be about progress not perfection if I am to continue making strides in my recovery. It's about showing myself tolerance, it's about the acceptance of my humanity and my flaws along with my assets. It's about being kind to myself.

Tolerance, acceptance, and kindness- qualities that may have been severely lacking in my thus far, but they are qualities that I can learn to develop; they are qualities I can practice toward myself and toward others.