Through working the steps, I am finally beginning to acknowledge behaviors and thought processes which no longer serve my best interests. I am becoming aware of how, over the years, certain circumstances have triggered negative, unconscious reactions based on experiences from the past. I am beginning to see that some of my behaviors, conditioned by past elements, have somehow attracted the same the same problems into my life over and over. It is only through sobriety that I am learning alternate solutions to problems that have always seemed to plague me and to recognize the behaviors and thoughts which act to thwart my progress.
When I was drinking, I worked so hard to suppress my potential. I had constructed so many obstacles and limitations to happiness and success that any attempt to move beyond them was futile. Each time I attempted to move forward was carried out in the same ways that moved me back again. Alcohol was the barrier between the life I was stuck in and the life I truly wanted. There was nothing desirable about the way that I was living. Alcohol kept me in the place I did not want to be and prevented me from anything worthwhile.
The funny thing is, although I knew my existence was miserable, I did not realize the full extent of just how miserable I really was. I knew that I had a drinking problem, but I it was beyond my belief and awareness that alcohol was playing as big a part in the misery and the difficulties that pervaded my life as much as it did. And how could I know? How could I truly grasp the whole picture when I was standing to close to see the full frame? My alcohol use defined what I did, how I did it, how I thought, how I reacted- it touched every aspect: from the most important down the most insignificant. Alcohol was how I lived- I didn’t know anything else. I had no other way of life to compare it to or to provide contrast. Sobriety has given me that contrast and the differences are glaring, night and day. I am grateful to have had the opportunity to see that there is another way for me to live- I don’t have to be miserable.
I had to allow some time for the miracle to work. I had to allow some time for my ‘stinking thinking’ to clear up a little to make space for healthier thinking to seep into my awareness. I really wanted sobriety- I wanted more than anything I can remember. I HAD to try something other than what I had been doing because I came to a solid belief that the path I was on was bound for an end and I would come to an end along with it. I HAD to stop before I experienced complete destruction of self. The morning after hitting my bottom of bottoms (hopefully) I decided to give AA another try. I had some ideas of where I failed the first time in the rooms and I made a few last promises out of desperation to myself.
1) I had to find a way to accept that I needed help; that I could not do this on my own; and that I COULD NOT CONTROL MY DRINKING. That last one was a biggie.
2) I had to be gentle with myself anything more, I believed, would lead to destruction.
3) I had to share my experiences and feelings; I had to trust and to allow myself to be, at least, a little vulnerable; no matter how uncomfortable this made me- I had to do it; for some reason, I felt this was imperative.
4) I had to listen to the suggestions these people had and I had to do my best to apply those suggestions in my own life.
5) I had to take a leap of faith.
It was really difficult for the first few weeks of not drinking to honor these promises I had made to myself. I remember having to repeatedly work at keeping them in my awareness. After a while, and with practice, they were naturally integrated in my recovery. There are still times when I really have to push myself beyond what I find comfortable or secure, but doing that isn’t as scary to me as it once was. In fact, I find it more frightening if I don’t take steps away from my comfort zone and away from old ways of behaving and thinking; because I truly believe that taking the steps are the only way to insure my sobriety and to keep me from returning to that place of suspended misery.
I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to experience the life that can be had through sobriety.
No comments:
Post a Comment