Turning It Over

Turning it over, i.e. how to not make a bad situation worse by trying to fix it or control it or by over thinking something so much you go into emotional overload and systematic breakdown; acceptance of something not liked.

Not being in control. Accepting and not trying to change something I don't like. I have to admit: those are toughies for me to overcome. I'm just now beginning to realize the true extent of my need to control and the lengths that I have taken in attempts to get my way. It was a shocking discovery to look at that defect and see it for what it was- what I was. I have always described myself as: nice, kind, honest, unselfish- to name a few. But in recovery, and through sobriety, I now know that the methods I employed to control were: dishonest, cruel, selfish, and superficial. I have come to believe that the only way to change damaging, self-defeating behaviors is to be honest about who I allowed myself to be. Turning it over is an important tool that helps me stay grounded in the reality of what I can and cannot control. It also helps to prevent me from becoming the person I turn into when I try change or control something or someone other than myself.

When I drank, turning it over amounted to turning over thoughts of whatever I was upset about over and over. It amounted to obsessing about situations that were out of my control. I would let all those thoughts churn up in my mind until they were caught up in an unstoppable frenzy. I drove myself to the brink of emotional insanity and my solution, then, was to pick up a drink (well, probably more like 10 or 12 drinks). What a terrible thing to do- add fuel to the fire. That's what drinking did. How I had convinced myself otherwise for all of those years is truly beyond my comprehension at this point.


Drinking, when I was in that kind of state, served to cut me off at the knees and throw me right down into the equivalent of a dark, damp, black hole. It inflamed the obsessive thinking. I would over analyze the situation; scrutinize every word or action and come up with possible responses for not only myself, but for others; I would begin having one-sided conversations; assess every angle and create hypothetical scenarios. The more I sunk into my lower mind, the more I would drink. I can now see that this was a kind of high-strung, emotional drinking which more often than not resulted in some of my most debilitating and personally humiliating binges. Binges that had a tendency to get comfortable and settle in for a few days. (thinking about these makes me a little sick to my stomach. putting myself through that. a few evening hours of drinking becoming a few days. where I lost track of time and lost all sense of myself.) The alcohol blurred reality and killed any rational thought processes. My obsessive thinking lead to paranoia which lead me to feeling victimized unjustly which lead me to need some kind of vindication. Which in turn, of course, lead me to make very poor decisions based on the lunacy of my own sick thoughts. I would lash out, say and do hurtful things. I was impulsive and irrational. It was self-sabotage at its best. I drank to push down the emotional tidal wave that began to stir when things weren't going my way; what I had actually done was open up the flood gates and allowed that wave to engulf me. I was suffocating myself with alcohol. I was drowning in it. I did it over and over again. I had no idea how to surrender my will. I only knew of the desire to inflict it and the need to assert it.

Turning it over. It's part of a process for me. It's something I have to practice over and over. I have to ask, I have to pray, I have to say it out loud again and again. It could be frustrating if I let it. If I said, "Please, I don't know how to handle (blank). Please, I don't know what to think of (blank). Please, I'm so afraid (blank, blank, blank). Please help me surrender my will, my need to control. Please help me have patience and not do anything stupid. Please help me turn this over.", and expected results immediately, then yes, I would become extremely frustrated. I have to understand that it IS a process and the relief turning it over gives me does not happen instantaneously like flipping a switch or pressing and button. And, I seriously doubt that this is unique to me- because I am not unique. It takes work. It takes effort. Everyone must put in the effort of working it for it to work. It's hard and sometimes I don't think it's going to happen, damn-it. Sometimes I start to believe it's useless and turning it over isn't going to work, but I keep asking. Every time that feeling, that need to exert my will comes bubbling up to the surface threatening to turn my head into a chaotic whirlpool I ask again. And then a miracle happens: RELIEF. I feel the pressure imploring me to DO something release. It's truly amazing to me. Finding a way to let something unfold in its own time, to even find acceptance of something I don't like is truly amazing to me. Not having to drink over it, whatever it may be, is absolutely and undeniably amazing. For me, this is the easier, softer way.

I am so grateful to my program of recovery and the tools I now have that are helping me to build a better life. I have options now; I have alternatives. I am so grateful for the suggestions of other alcoholics and the wisdom they impart unselfishly and kindly.