I hear people say, "I didn't have a drinking problem, I had a behavior problem." Once they took the drink away they had to deal with all of the underlying causes. I can relate to that. Drinking masked the boredom, the anxiousness, the insecurities, and a whole myriad of other restless states- it didn't really take them away; rather, it was the easiest way I knew to cover them up, sweep them under my rug of consciousness for an evening or a day.I didn't know that in order to be happy and to feel a part of this world I would need to deal with those issues- I would need to deal with all of my angst in an effective way. No one knows what they don't know and I did not know how to deal or cope with myself. I see now that drinking to blot and numb was like having a broken leg and putting a cast on my arm.
Now, in sobriety, I'm having to learn how to deal and (sigh) it's a process and not always an easy or comfortable. In fact, it can be pretty damned uncomfortable. Sometimes, (like right now!) I have to sit with a bad case of the fuck it's and what's the use anyway's. Times when I irritable, restless, and discontent and completely unmotivated. Times when I have no idea what the hell to do with myself, but some how there is this sense of faith that I will be able to figure it out without having to drink. That maybe the crux of how I continue to stay sober when I'm having the kind of day that would have had me drinking before noon. That sense of faith, no matter how small, endures and grows like a living thing deep down at soul level. It's a voice of reason that I can hear over the melee of my own crazy thoughts. It tells me to pause, to take a breath, and everything will be okay, you will get through this. I cannot tell you how unbelievably thankful I am for that voice of faith and reasoning; that voice of sanity echoing in my head.
I can become a little resentful at that voice however, because I know it represents the truth- it's just a moment or a day- and I will get through it. But sometimes, for me, getting through it means resigning myself to sit with it and feel it. It means forcing myself to get up and go through the motions even if I'm scowling and pissy and could care less about anything or anyone. It also means finding a way to be okay with not feeling great, with not doing much of anything, with being bored. It means forcing myself to meet my commitments and keep my promises; to do my best to stay present. My tendency, my normal behavior, is to hide, isolate, to blow everyone off and feel sorry for myself. I have to address those tendencies by doing something different than what I'm used to which can be exhausting and frustrating because I really just want to give up; but that voice pushes me on; that faith carries me through- it truly does. And, I'm better for it.
I have found a way to accept whatever it is I am going through even when I don't like it. I have found a way to trust and to have faith that whatever it is I am feeling today isn't going to last forever- it may linger for awhile, but it's not forever. I don't have to check out. I don't have to resort to self-sabotage because I'm feeling bored or anxious or insecure. I don't have to make a bad situation worse...and for me, that in itself is a miracle and proof enough that it works.
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